Quarterly Review

“Have you ever regretted coming on this trip?” I asked Gabriel recently.

He shook his head. “No.” A pause. “Definitely not.”

“Same.” I agreed. Since we left four months ago, I haven’t regretted our decision to live on the road. Worries I still have. But regrets? None whatsoever.

I worry that we’ve screwed up our lives permanently. In my head I was on a steady ascent to an imaginary success and this trip represents a classic self-sabotage move that creates an irreparable deviation from the glorious future in store for me.

For some reason, these moments of anguish always come at night, in the dark, when I’m alone with my thoughts. Is that where the phrase “the witching hour” come from? The dark hours when the witches fly by to stir up these torments in our heads?

So I remind myself that these are just stories. That’s all they are. Stories. And of course they come at night. It’s easier to make up stories – bad stories about how irresponsible and lazy we are and that we are doomed for life as a result of going on this trip – when there is no light to illuminate the true reality.

Because the reality is, one quick look around and I’d be quickly reminded that this trip has been the best life experience I could have dreamed of. From subtle positive changes in my worldview, to how Gabriel and I communicate and work as a team, to our psychological well-being, the last four months have been a much-needed period of rest and reflection. Even if I’m truly unemployable after this trip, I have no regrets.

It’s also been gratifying to move through life slowly, deliberately, at our own pace. That in itself is a valuable lesson that we learned early on in our travel: to travel the way we want to (instead of feeling we have to do it a certain way), to remember to take rest days and take care of ourselves, and to feel comfortable wandering without a master plan. Aimlessly, but with intention – if that makes sense at all.

Initially, there was this invisible pressure to visit as many countries and places as possible, see as many sights as we can, experience as much as we are able to. “We’ll never have the chance to do this again!” I tried to justify why we have to run ourselves ragged from place to place like we’re contestants on Amazing Race. And the ever-so-ambitious part of me wanted to make this trip as “productive” as possible.

Productive.

That’s a funny word, isn’t it. How do you define productivity when on the road. I mean, sure we can find metrics to quantify how much we’ve accomplished on this trip. But, … what’s the point? Why do I even care about productivity? Is anyone counting how many stamps we get on our passport, how many world’s wonders we visit, how many blog posts I write, how many likes I get on my Instagram posts?

Thankfully, over time all these nonsense die down as I realize that my desire for “productivity” is just my ego seeking to soothe itself with external affirmation. I wanted to be productive, to be good, to overachieve, because that made me feel okay about my existence in the world. Being productive justifies my presence on Earth, taking up space and oxygen and resources. I must produce or else I’m a waste of humanity.

Gosh, that is just a bleak way to look at life! And a nonsensical story once you put it out in broad daylight. Now I just laugh at my desire to be “productive” and chalk it up to capitalism subconscious programming to squeeze all valuable energy out of me.

See how my fear about our becoming “lazy” is real? 😉

So, unfortunately, I have no metrics to report on this quarterly review, no accomplishments to boast of, other than, we’re healthy and doing well. Gabriel has lost a little weight while I’ve maintained mine. We’d like to think we’re fitter now with all the walking and daily exercise. I’m definitely browner and have mosquito bites all over. We just got to Tenerife a few days ago and will be here for the next four weeks. Hopefully that gives me time to catch up on writing about all the place we’ve been to and people we’ve seen.